Ok, I'm no stranger to relationships. I've had a few (though less than the dozen relationship psychologists suggest will give me the best idea about where I fit into the looks hierarchy). And I'll be the first to admit that my taste in men has not been great. I went for the bad boys in highschool. The emotionally unavailable when I was a little older. The irresponsible moocher, the overly jealous, possessive, the cheating scum bags, yeah, I've dated them. Each time the relationship ended, it was hard. I usually wasn't the one to end them. Looking back, I think it hurt because I thought, 'this creep just dumped me. I can't even hold onto a guy that shouldn't be allowed in the gene pool!' Of course, this is in retrospect. It felt more complicated while it was happening, but this is what it boiled down to.
And then, there was this boyfriend. Generous, driven, intelligent. This has been the first 'good' one I've dated. And now, it's over. 'Another one bites the dust! Another one gone, another one gone. Another one bites the dust!'
I've read a couple of books on healthy relationships and compatible couples, etc. What woman hasn't? And at least two of the books said that if I've had a lot of relationships, it doesn't really matter who my next boyfriend is, because I'll still be the same woman, and I've obviously got some characteristic that is undesirable in a relationship. I like to think of myself as a great girlfriend, encouraging, affectionate, non-jealous/possessive, responsible-ish, and a cheap date. But obviously, I'm missing something huge...
Research indicates that the best relationships are between the most similar people. Meh. I can see why this may be so. But I loved all of X's differences. I admired him where he had characteristics that I wanted and tried to take interest in the things he liked that I didn't care much about.
It was not enough. He didn't love me for my differences.
So this one has dumped me and no where in the back of my mind is the little voice of relief, telling me that I was too good for him. Because I'm not. For the first time, I don't have even the hope that I subconsciously sabotaged the relationship because I knew it was bad for me. This was a genuinely good man. And I genuinely love him. And I did my utmost to make it work. And it was not enough.
I am a bit bummed. Happily, X performed the break up really well. He was kind. He was firm. He continued to be generous. Things are much better than I had any right to hope for. I'm not crushed, I'm not inconsolable, but I do think I'm going through a bit of a self-centered period. I'm indulging myself in my light depression despite all the things that I should be doing instead (school work) and despite all the wonderfully good things in my life that are counter-balancing this one negative thing.
So... here I am. In a foreign country, most of the way through a degree and having applied for my postgraduate degrees... and I've lost my first and main reason for being here. I'm still planning on staying because the education is cheaper here, but my safety net is gone. My favorite person in the whole world to talk to you no longer really wants to talk to me. I miss having a partner.
Ok, that's all I really have to say at the moment. I'm bummed and soul searching and I'm going to make it through!
